


Beautifully

by AtomicNebula13



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: F/M, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV First Person, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 11:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6078240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtomicNebula13/pseuds/AtomicNebula13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Himawari shares her feelings with Doumeki but he does not reciprocate.  This story examines the dynamic between the two.   Implied DoumekiXWatanuki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautifully

**Author's Note:**

> Story was inspired by the song "Beautifully" by Jay Brannan. I originally had this posted on another website but I'm slowly transitioning to posting exclusively here. 
> 
> Warning! Contains Spoilers! If you have not read up to Chapter 101, please read at your own risk. You have been warned, enjoy!

Beautifully

"Doumeki-kun?" she asks, her voice bright and airy, with just the barest hint of apprehension lacing the words.

'He was her long, bright future  
In the middle of a wrong, dark road'

I don't want to reply to her, I'm already well aware of what she wants to ask of me, what she wants of me, and I know that I will never be able to provide what she wants. Until now, I've just ignored it, brushed it to the side, unwilling to consider this possibility if I never heard her speak the words aloud.

'He loved her, but he wasn't too sure  
If he could return the love she showed'

"Kunogi"

Outside of this, I rarely ever speak another word to her, unless absolutely necessary and even then my words were always in regards to Watanuki. I have nothing to say to this woman. I don't dislike Kunogi, far from it, I love her just not the way she wants me to. I know of her nature, of the danger she brings to the one that I hold most dear, making it difficult to feel close to her, to develop any sort of tangible connection. To me, sometimes, she is just another obstacle that I have to protect him against, but because he loves her, I tolerate her. I know she's a good girl, she doesn't mean to bring misfortune upon those she is close to, however, I cannot allow that to cloud my judgment. What truly matters to me is his safety.

A ghost of a smile graces her full lips, as if she can hear everything I dare not put a voice to, but yet she continues to say what I've always dreaded hearing.

"I'm not sure if you would ever accept these feelings of mine, but I just can't hold onto them any longer. I feel strongly for you, more than just a friend. I love you Doumeki-kun… I'm sorry to push my emotions onto you but I really love you, I've felt this way for a very long time now."

'When she said, my love extends  
Beyond the realm of being friends'

I accept her words with my mask of indifference firmly in place though on the inside I'm fuming, angry with her. There is no way she could not have recognized the feelings Watanuki has harbored for her, yet she chooses to ignore them and pursue the one she knows she can never have, the person who barely even regards her existence and yet I can't hold onto that anger. I understand how she feels, because I have a love unrequited as well, and I am just as guilty of disregarding others as she. As her tears begin to fall at my silent dismissal of her words, I can't help but feel remorseful.

I reach to her, holding her by her slim shoulders, at arm's length, not daring to fully embrace her because there is no other I want here but him. I don't want her to misunderstand but I hope she can accept my rejection. I place my lips softly, fleetingly to her forehead before pulling away.

'He kissed her head  
And quietly he said'

'Just understand.' I plead with her silently, somehow I think she already knows who I love, who fate has tied me to so fully, the one I cannot live without.

'It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me'

"Isn't there anything I can do to make you love me?" she asks, barely above a whisper, her eyes refuse to meet mine.

'She said, how beautiful do I have to be?  
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see  
And I have loved you beautifully''

"No." I turn and leave her standing in the school courtyard, I don't dare turn back to her, afraid of what I know I will see. A girl, broken, her feelings dashed in an instant.

After that day, she does not revisit her feelings with me she carries on with me as she always has. Three years have passed, now Watanuki is chained to the shop that Yuuko abandoned, he waits for her and I think he knows, deep in his heart, that she will not return, that he will remain there until the end of his days, eternally. Kunogi and I have become closer, both of us requiring the presence of the other, needing the other to fill the void that Watanuki has left. Though I visit the boy frequently, nearly every day, I would give anything to walk with him outside, have him flailing by my side just one more time, to be the boy that he was before fate intervened and stole away his life, his freedom.

I call her today and ask if she would meet with me for some coffee or something, anything, just to talk. Though I rarely feel the need to speak, Watanuki's circumstance is eating me alive, boring a whole in my soul so large I'm not sure how I will be able to go on. The overwhelming uncertainty is maddening and absent mindedly I run my thumb along the smooth shell of the egg that Yuuko has entrusted to me. Have I already missed my chance to use this?

Himawari is the only person I know who will understand the way I feel. She is unaware of the talisman that Yuuko has left behind with me but she will be able to understand my doubt, my loneliness. She agrees to meet with me and now I'm on my way to her place to pick her up.

'He called up down one night  
He said, let's get in the car and just drive'

She climbs into my car silently, her smile beaming as if she couldn't imagine being any happier anywhere else in the world and I find this only makes my loneliness, my helplessness, increase tenfold.

Why won't he smile at me this way? Why does my existence and presence only bring him pain?

'He talked a lot about loneliness  
But why, she didn't know'

As we talk a song I've never heard before plays on the radio, but she seems to know every word, as she mouths it silently into the night. I can't remember the last time I was able to just sit and listen to music, to think about anything other than the ethereal beauty that was the man trapped in the body of a seventeen year old, perpetually frozen in time.

"Do you think he can ever be free?" I whisper to her, in the darkness, my voice tight with emotion and I'm glad that she cannot see my face, to read my expression because I'm fighting back years of tears at this moment. I yearn for it, I would do anything to free him, but I know it would be for naught. He chose, and I must accept that.

She tells me to stop the car, I obey, and she climbs out, walking to my door she extends her hand to me.

"Let's dance, Doumeki-kun." She smiles, and it's the first time I see the unshed tears that are pooling in her eyes. I believe now she truly understands that I love the one that loves her. She sees the sordid love triangle that we have become and even though this hurts her, she is still trying to soothe some of my pain.

'She said, let's stop the car and slow dance'

I hesitate, unsure of what to do next.

"Please, please." She's begging now, but I hear what she isn't saying.

'Won't you just give me a chance?'

'Please, accept me.' That's what she is truly asking.

I take her offered hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, hoping that she will understand, that I do not love her, cannot love her. My heart, my soul, my entire being was promised to another before I was even born. It was fate, I know my life is not mine but I'm strangely content with that. To belong to him, whether he accepts me or not, is enough.

'He took her hand  
And hoped she'd understand

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me  
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?  
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see  
And I have loved you beautifully'

We still keep in touch, more for Watanuki's sake than our own because I know I have hurt her and if she had it her way she probably wouldn't want to see me. As Watanuki's assistant I'm constantly running errands for him, often times that means dropping things off to Kunogi. As time passes, however, she becomes more friendly with me again and I get to see the smile that Watanuki loves her for. Her broken heart slowly began to heal until we were able to speak normally again and for that I was thankful. I'd actually begun to miss her for the interval in which we did not speak.

This morning I walked to the mailbox to retrieve the bills, ads, and other pointless scraps of paper that I don't care to look over, but one envelope the color of cherry blossoms in spring catches my attention. I recognize the handwriting on the outside, in one fluid motion I have it opened, a wedding invitation in my hand.

A smile quirks the right side of my mouth. I close my eyes, remembering the bouncy curls, brilliant smile, and the airy voice of my friend and I pray that she has truly found her happiness. Found what I could not provide. It does not escape my attention that she has addressed the invitation not only to me but also to Watanuki and I know I will have no choice but to attend the ceremony, not for myself, but for him. I will take his place, to watch the one he loves passed off to another.

Placing the invitation in my pocket, I pass through the gates of the temple, following a road that I know by heart, a path that I'm sure I knew before I had ever travelled it, I make my way to my one true source of happiness, whether he accepts me or not has become inconsequential because I will remain by his side until the end of my days.

I make the short journey to my fate, my destiny, my Kimihiro.

**Author's Note:**

> All of my works are un-betad so all errors are my own. I apologize for any mistakes.


End file.
